Oh yeah, did I mention?

My goodness it's Friday and I've been so distracted this week I neglected to mention one little thing. I am rejoining the working world! My lunch interview Tuesday went well and I had a message from the recruiter waiting for me when I got home. Apparently, I "knocked the ball way, way out of the park." It is an interesting situation, I'm not quite what they were looking for and apparently they met as a team and decided they didn't want to let me get away. So, they restructured a few things to make it work and gave me a nice little sign-on bonus.

That same day, my husband got a call with a job offer, too! So, we've both accepted and it looks like November will be a month of change.

Time to celebrate!

Why?

It seems to be the question of the day. Max Oz discussed why he writes and wiblondie reclaimed her blog space in the name of why she started blogging. Why do we do it? I have a simple answer... I needed a place to organize my thoughts and a place outside of email where I could communicate with my friends and family. I've never been a real private person, so laying it all out in the public domain doesn't bother me much. I keep it fairly anonymous, but specific enough so that those who know me know what I'm talking about.

The question on my mind lately, however, is why do you read it? I ask for no reason other than curiosity. While I do, in fact, write for me and not you, I do enjoy the opportunity to share my thoughts with others... particularly across a medium that does not allow you to interrupt me. Those who know me well know what an irritation that is to me!

I'll be honest. Given my audience I have at times been more selective than I wanted to be in writing, but wiblondie helped draw me back to the point. As a friend of mine said, it is cathartic for me and I shouldn't worry about anyone else's reaction. She then confessed to feeling voyeuristic, but I wouldn't have told her about it if I didn't mind sharing it. Wiblondie and this friend are right. This is my space for my thoughts, right or wrong, and if you don't like it you can stop reading. And if you do keep reading, hopefully you'll find something of value that you can use in life, or at least get a glimpse of my kitchen during one of the few moments when it was clean!

Armed with that defense, I recently became much more open about what's going on, to the extent where I openly questioned the character of regular readers. My statement was strong enough to result in those individuals sharing my thoughts with their friends and family. For this reason, I want to lay it all on the table. I'm going to break my rule and for a brief moment write for you, and not me.

For those of you who I have shared this link with, I'm not talking to you. For those who have clicked to my blog from the blog of a mutual friend, I'm not talking to you either. Nor anyone else who randomly clicked on "Next Blog" from someone else's blog. I'm talking to the people who make regular visits to specifically read what I have written, but who have made a conscious decision not to reach me in any other way.

I'm not going to assume anyone's motives because, frankly, you can imagine how it looks (especially to someone who has been through what I have the last year or two). So, I'm not going to try to figure it out. I may not understand your actions or emotions, but I think I know you well enough as people to trust that at the core you have a good heart. I won't pretend to understand why someone who has had no communication with me in two months would check my blog every 2 - 3 days, but I can make some guesses and here is my response:

• If you're hoping to find some admission of guilt, you won't find it.
• If you just want to know what's going on in my life, you'll only hear parts because I'm selective about what I write.
• If you're looking for a way to keep in touch, you have my email address and phone number. And if you've lost those, you know where I live.
• If you have something you need to say to me, or even just yell at me, then by all means get it out of your system and get on with your life. That's what the comment link is for, or see the previous point. Because if you're angry at me, just reading my blog every few days is only going to remind you of it. If you're depressed that you lost your job, then maybe you should start writing, too.
• If you just like looking at train wrecks, then, well, welcome.

Whatever your reason, I hope you find what you're looking for and hope that you find peace, comfort, forgiveness, healing, or whatever else it is you need in life. I wish you continued success but from here on out, remember that whatever I put out here is for me. You're welcome to read it, but I'd ask that you remember that it isn't written for that reason.

Thanks, wiblondie and completelybrunette, for keeping me on track and reminding me of why we do this. And everyone else, please don't hesitate to leave your comments at any time. I do enjoy hearing from you.

What's bothering me?

I have a lunch interview tomorrow. I was specifically told to dress business casual and NOT wear a suit. While I'm wandering the aisles of the local department store contemplating what exactly defines the perfect business casual interview ensemble, a thought kept cropping up in the back of my mind. Something about buying new clothes that I really didn't want to buy was bothering me, but why? I began my root cause analysis (fighting the urge to start laying out hosiery and accessories in Ishikawa formation) and it all started coming together.

I'm not bitter about losing my job. I can't be. A week before it happened, I sent a note to the consultant making decisions and told him everything. I told him it didn't make sense to have a manager of a function that couldn't be funded and that my staff had skills that could add significant value to other functions in the department. It seemed the right thing to do. For the past few weeks my staff had sent me notes of encouragement while I traveled back and forth and told me when I returned how grateful they were because they knew that I would fight for them and do whatever it takes. They were right. I remember the night I decided to back out. I was in tears. My husband feared I was committing career suicide. As far as I was concerned, another situation at work not related to these changes meant the end of my career anyway and I had a responsibility to ensure the success of those I had hired. I had suffered months of an unexplained skin problem, spikes in my blood pressure, blurred vision, insomnia. My Dr's prescription was to quit my job.

When my boss left, I thought that would be good enough but my Dr. insisted I get out of that company. And he was right, I was in the middle of a situation I couldn't control and I couldn't talk about. A highly respected man who promoted me time and time again over the years was gone. Everyone around me mourned, criticized the decisions of the leaders and got angry. Every day I had to lie and hide the emotional injuries he caused, and pretend I believed it was unjust when in fact I was left having to justify the authority he had given me after his actions toward me were exposed. I was angry and I could feel myself losing my edge. At the same time I lost my MBA sponsorship, I was sent to a psychologist for evaluation with respect to my physical symptoms and in a supposed reduced capacity state, the Dr. told me he'd never seen performance scores as high as mine. I suppose there is less social stigma associated with admitting you saw a shrink when his prognosis is that you shouldn't be able to function in your current situation yet your performance is exceptional. Nonetheless, an IQ score doesn't have the impact that a master's degree has on your resume and I'm back to being angry. I received reimbursement for my medical bills, but I doubt I'll ever recover from the financial loss that will result from the time I could've been working on an advanced degree being instead devoted to trips around world in hopes that some exotic location will eventually persuade me to give in to my nonexistent animal attraction for my pursuer.

But when it came to my job, I loved the work I did. I prided myself on the incredible team I had working for me. I performed at my best when given a challenge and a tight deadline. But, I lost credibility and the only person with the political finesse to make a case for my team had not only left, but by this time had a police complaint filed against him. So, I wrote my letter, sang the praises of my staff, sang the praises of my peer who was an unknowing victim of this all, organized all my files so that my staff would be able to find what they needed, collected a pile of empty boxes and did what I could to get things done during the week that preceded my notice of termination.

My friends found it strange that I would take the time to clean and organize things. Why do this for a company that's going to let you go after nine years? Because I cared about the people that would be staying and wanted them to be successful. I guess that was the one thing that helped me stay sane. I had no control over what happened, I could only control my reaction to it and these people were my friends, my support, my team. I always assumed that if anyone else was let go, we would meet for coffee and continue to support and encourage each other through our searches.

Bingo. That's what's bothering me. My department was cut in half that day, split right down the middle by salary. It was the last thing I expected. I did all this work, poured out my heart and soul for an outcome that appeared to be nothing more than a hasty math problem. Then came the biggest blow of all... the foundation that I thought I was fighting for crumbled.

The people who I thought I had built a relationship with and who I sacrificed for will not even talk to me. I have prayed for their comfort, worried for their well being and today, two months to the day after I left, I am angry. One's spouse said she feels manipulated, lied to and used. One won't respond at all, not even to a simple "do you want to keep in touch?" email. Friends say, "Why do you even care what they think of you?" I guess my disappointment is in what I thought we had built. In the fact that I have not been given the opportunity to defend whatever wrong I am accused of. And, in the glaring reality that the individuals I thought were worthy of more than just my personal and professional respect lacked the substance of character that had I believed was there. I thought we shared a common vision, but I learned that all we shared was a common signature stamp on our paychecks. I thought we shared the same values, not just professionally, but personally, but now I feel my values were only useful if it was to their gain.

Yes, I'm angry. Like any loss, the loss of a job is followed by a grieving process of which anger is normal part of. But one would hope reason would override... we all experienced the same thing. Yes, we all had different personal challenges that made the impact to us unique, but we will all recover. The good news is that I will recover a little bit wiser. But, I will also recover with a little hole in the fabric of my faith in humankind.

I can admit it when I'm wrong...

I realize that I have significantly divagated at times from the original intent of this blog and at other times only loosely tie my content to the original subject matter. And here I go again... I just have to say that I can admit it when I'm wrong. I just got off the phone with a friend who filled me in on the latest current events and closed with, "It is what it is. I'm not being lazy or ignorant, what I mean to say is I know what it is, I see it for what it is, there isn't anything else it could possibly be and I'm OK with that." To which I replied, "Congratulations, I think you've found an appropriate use of that phrase."

What is home?

Yesterday we officially put our convertible up for sale. I couldn't talk my husband into selling the minivan (I swore I'd never drive one but caved when the oldest child outgrew me). We did agree that the house would be the last thing to go. We live in the sticks, but it is a location that would be very difficult to duplicate in the future. My husband wanted to buy a chunk of rolling wooded land to build a house on. I wanted to be in a neighborhood for the children. We settled on 1.3 acres at the end of a cul de sac surrounded by neighborhood green space on two sides, giving us the privacy of about 5 acres.

Our back yard is an isolated natural reserve area (protected woodlands, wildlife habitat and steep slopes) and from the entrance of our neighborhood you can see the silhouette of Holy Hill off in the distance. Now, I'm not Catholic, but it really is a sight to behold. So, rather than going on about anything specific tonight, I'm just going to share some of the best pictures on the web of Holy Hill (links will open in a new window).

Thank you to the artists who shared these.

• Holy Hill in the distance
• Holy Hill in the morning fog
  
• Holy Hill and horses in the fog
• Holy Hill at sunset
• Holy Hill in the autumn
  
• Holy Hill country
  
• Holy Hill from the sky
• Holy Hill during a lunar eclipse

What is it? What it is.

I began rambling on about communication yesterday and after several paragraphs reached the intended point of the post (making it WAY too long!). So, I decided to make them two separate posts. Here is part II...

Most of what I've touched on deals with interpersonal relationships, but I have repeatedly observed some communication behavior professionally that I just don't understand. The use of business "slang". Not just the use of it, but the trend I've seen over and over again where some business leader throws out a new (or old) term that represents a new concept and suddenly everyone you work with is using that word and you simply aren't "cool" if you don't.

My first experience with this was in the early to mid nineties when everyone wanted to talk about synergy and paradigm shift. The concepts of cooperating and thinking differently have been around forever, but in the 90's you couldn't achieve total quality without synergy and changing your paradigm.

Most recently I've heard a lot of technology specific slang. People expressing they don't have the bandwidth or the cycles (presumably CPU cycles) to work on something. Even more popular is the, "I'll ping you later" phrase. Just once I'd like to respond, "You might want to try something a higher layer up on the OSI model. I block ICMP at my secretary, at best you might get to the front desk with a tracert."

Then there is the vetting process. I've followed standard procedures for evaluating alternatives for years, but when a C-level learns a new word, it must mean we need a new process.

And last but not least, the one that is like nails on a chalkboard to me, "It is what it is." Up until recently, I interpreted this phrase as, "I am completely devoid of any original thought." The only reason I say "up until recently" is that my best friend, wiblondie (the one you'll want to contact should you need to stray beyond my Com 101 lesson below as she has a Master's degree in it), uses that phrase and explained to me that it really is more the result of laziness than unawareness.

In any case, just remember that making corporate jargon your core competency may seem like low hanging fruit, but anyone who really puts it to the smell test will have quick visibility to the fact that the value proposition just isn't there.

What is effective communication?

It isn't uncommon for some of my friends to approach me and ask for advice about how to communicate with a difficult person or convey unpleasant news. The rules that make up the foundation of effective communication are simple (yes, there are times that require you to deviate and use more complex tactics, but in most situations the following works):

1) Regardless of the situation and your feelings for the person you are dealing with, that person deserves your respect as a living and breathing human being. I don't care how in the right you are or how smarter you are than the other person, the moment they sense that from you they become defensive and stop listening. No matter what creation theory you subscribe to, we all came from the same place and started out with the same value and potential, and this person is more important than you to at least one other person on this earth. I have coached people through phone calls where the most meaningful advice I gave was to speak with love, because anything else you say will be lost if you haven't given the other person a reason to listen to you. And by the way, it is impossible to predict what tone someone will insert when reading an email from you, so save those for good friends who know you well.

2) I don't care what you think that person has done or how you feel they have wronged you, you don't know the full story until you stop making assumptions about their behaviors and give them an opportunity to explain them. This means asking them and letting them answer without interrupting them or telling them why they did something. I would rather assume that a miscommunication happened than assume that someone intentionally did something to wrong me. I have yet to meet anyone who enjoyed doing things for no other reason than to upset someone else.

3) Stay calm. If something really upset you, wait until you've cooled down to discuss it. If you can't maintain control of your emotions, then stop talking and ask to finish the discussion later.

4) Stay focused on one issue at a time. Even if you're angry about several things, pick the most important issue and make the objective of your conversation the resolution of that issue.

I love watching people and I'm amazed at how much anger I've seen lately. Remember the finite intelligence theory? Well, I'm starting to think that a certain amount of anger is brought into the world with each person born and it gets distributed among everyone else when you die. So while average intelligence is slowly dropping while the population grows, anger is steadily on the rise. In the last few weeks, I've been shocked by the number of people I've witnessed cursing out inanimate objects.

I also like to watch people communicate and evaluate what it is they really mean to say. For example, I have a friend who is frequently accused of being harsh and overbearing. She has been working hard at overcoming this image, but after being that way for so long people have just come to expect that of her and they frequently read hostility into completely benign communications from her. I watched closely and put my finger on something. Whenever she asks a question, she explains why she is asking. Rather than spending 5 seconds on just stating the question, she spends 30 seconds justifying why the motivation behind the question is compassion rather than hostility.

For example, there was a time when she would've confronted someone who was late with a reminder of their commitment and everyone else's busy schedule. Now, she expresses concern over if the person is OK. But rather than saying, "Oh, I'm glad you made it. Is everything OK?" She'll say something like, "Oh, you made it. Why are you late? I'm not asking because we were waiting on you or anything, we had other things to work on so it is no big deal. So-and-so was late, too, but you're usually on time so I just wanted to make sure everything is OK. Is it?" Suddenly a big fuss was made over something that was most likely as simple as waiting for an extra long train. People pick up on this big fuss and either don't believe your excuse for asking the question, or feel bad that you feel you have to explain to them that your question was a casual one. Either way, the original intent of care and concern is lost.

Things are tough all over

First the good news. Apparently weblogs have some majestic power over the universe because the same day I posted my comments about my most recent job interview experience, I got a call back from the same company for another interview. We're going out to lunch and I'm meeting the rest of the staff. So this is good news.

In other current events, my husband has an interview on Friday. He passed his CISSP exam (with flying colors, I'm sure, but the only result they give you is pass or fail), and having those couple extra letters on your resume is a big thing these days. This is good news because his future former employer is also having some trouble. Since I'm not ready just yet to lay out all the gory details of the 18 months that preceded my unemployed state (other than the occasional rant), I'll share with you his situation which serves as a nice reminder to me that things are tough all over.

My husband works for a consulting company in Chicago and was hired to handle the Wisconsin territory. His salary is composed of a low base plus commission. Because the Wisconsin business is new, he spends a lot of time in Chicago helping out in when they are overbooked. Here are some of the interesting challenges he has had:

• He completed a project that a Chicago engineer had started. Because the customer paid up front for a block of time, the Chicago engineer received the commission before the work was done. My husband did the work for free.
• When my husband does work for a client, he frequently recommends other products or services that result in more sales. When he's outside of his territory (i.e. in Chicago), the services he sells get assigned to Chicago engineers who in turn make the commission (see previous point). My husband sells products and builds the business for free.
  
• His company started offering an evaluation service. If you wanted to evaluate one of the products that they resold, such as SurfControl, they would install and configure a 30 - 90 day evaluation copy completely free of charge. The idea was that a properly configured product is more likely to be purchased and they'd earn more money from increased sales, then the engineer would receive his commission. In reality, the customers figured out they could have an engineer from a SurfControl partner install and configure the product, then order a less expensive license key from CDW to activate the full version of the product. My husband implemented several "product evaluations" for free.
• My husband spent the past several weeks at a Wisconsin client. When the customer was unable to free up employees to test the applications, as they agreed to do in the original statement of work, the project got behind schedule. Despite everything on the SoW being completed except the customer's responsibilities, the customer disputed the bill. According to my husband's contract, he earns commission on billable hours. He did most of the work for free.
• As I mentioned earlier, my husband travels to Chicago a lot, it's about a two hour drive. Most of his Wisconsin clients are a 1 - 3 hour drive. He's always gotten reimbursed the standard government mileage rate. His company's Chicago office recently relocated to a high rent building in the loop. Right about that same time, gas prices shot up and the mileage rate increased. My husband submitted his monthly expense report and two days later the company issued a new policy that mileage to client sites was concerned part of your daily work commute and would not be reimbursed. In response to the $900 expense report he submitted two days earlier, he received a $400 check. Apparently, my husband now tours the state (and travels to a neighboring state to bail out overbooked engineers) for free.
  

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to have a home and grateful that he has a job. I realize thousands of hurricane, earthquake and mud slide victims would kill to have our problems. But the bottom line is that our net take home income right now is less than 25% of what it was two months ago and it isn't because of a natural disaster. It's because of inept leadership and you just can't buy insurance to protect you against bad business.

Yes, change will be good.

What is a challenge?

I've experienced a recurring theme this week, "Do you really feel like this job would be a challenge for you?" Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about a challenge:

A test of one's abilities or resources in a demanding but stimulating undertaking.

This seems to leave a lot of room for interpretation. Is it fair to assume that what I've been doing the past few years is the only type of challenge that I'll be satisfied with? If it is, then I need to find work that provides me with a lot of responsibility but no authority. And accountability on anyone's part needs to be completely missing. Then, for good measure, throw in a clingy middle age man suffering a mid-life crises for me to report to and give me enough assignments so that I can work 24 hours a day and still not feel like I've made a dent. Then, of course, make sure the strategy changes often enough that if I do finish something, it never gets used.

No, I think I've learned the lessons I was intended to learn at my troubled former employer and I'm ready to move on. In fact, I picked up a key skill that will undoubtedly guarantee my success in the rest of life. I learned how to say, "No" without wavering. Let's look at some examples:

"Will you do so-and-so's job so I don't have to manage him/her?"
"Um, No."

"Is it OK if I do your job while the consultants are watching so that I look good?"
"No, I don't think so."

"Would you like to come up to my room for sex and coffee?"
"No! WTF, aren't you married?"

"Would you ask your husband to leave his children and move across the country so that you can have the same level of pay and responsibility and live in place with no trees, hills, or decent schools?"
"No, no, no and no."

This week has been a frustrating one, I suppose I shouldn't be taking it out on past employers. I actually got a call today, after being told that I was the last one in their round of first interviews, informing me that of the 7 - 10 people they interviewed I was the only decent one. Great, right? No (there's that word again). Because they have nobody to compare me to, so now they need to do more first interviews. OR, since they had so many "junior" options to pick from, maybe they'll just go with two junior level employees rather than one senior employee.


Yes, I do realize how terribly juvenile this is and I may take it down in a day or two....

My husband has a belief which he calls "the finite intelligence theory", and I'm starting to think he might be on to something. The basic concept is that there is a finite amount of intelligence to go around and as the population grows, the average intelligence level drops. Occasionally someone brilliant passes away and bumps things up a bit, but mostly we're in a downward spiral.

Never fear, I do have dozens of profound thoughts in my head waiting to be shared with you and I will express them very soon. For now, you can thank wiblondie for this little creation, which was the direct result of her calling me something along the lines of a pathetic loser for allowing so much time to pass since my last post.

Good night all!

What are credentials?

I had two interviews last week. Unfortunately, both companies are a 40 - 45 minute drive, but that's life I guess. In both cases, I was probably more suited for the job of the person interviewing me, but there is just no way to politely tell someone that. For me, this has been the hardest part of the process - acknowledging that walking into a new company will most likely require me to accept a lower level position. Not that I necessarily have a problem with that, but it does cause concern in hiring managers who don't want to risk losing an employee who doesn't feel challenged. The flip side of that coin is that I have a glaring bald spot on my resume where the letters "MBA" should be, making it a challenge just to get my foot in the door with higher level positions.

I've given some thought to what I could do to add some form of credentials to my resume, including a PMP or ITIL certification or a life experience degree. Yes, I realize that is a wimpy way out, but I need something now rather than two years from now. My troubled former employer had offered to pay for my MBA but at the same time had me traveling 40% of the year, frequently with little notice. I figured I would've missed 11 classes my first semester which is not a good plan. For now, I'll have to settle for organizational affiliations. One I've researched and plan to join is the International Society for Philosophical Enquiry. I like this one because it isn't specific to a certain line of work and because new members are considered "Associate Members" until they demonstrate support of IPSE goals through personal achievement and contributions to society. Oh yeah, and the fact that I've already taken a qualifying exam helps... this isn't a good time for me to be investing hundreds of dollars in society entrance fees.

I must say that I find the whole "degree" requirement of some companies to be a bit questionable. I understand the common explanation about how it demonstrates ones perseverance or some other positive trait, but really... I have a BA in Psychology, which was a fairly easy program. I made it through most of college without touching a computer. In my defense, I am a quick learner and a hard worker but the reality is that I hold no technology related degrees or certifications (other than an old training certification). My husband, on the other hand, has two Associate degrees from two-year programs, one of which is in computer systems from the late 80's. He has twenty years of experience and certifications in CheckPoint, Citrix, Microsoft, Novell and others (keep your fingers crossed, he just took his CISSP test today!).

We both work in the IT field, but he continues to struggle with potential employers telling him his resume looks great but they require a four year degree (as opposed to four years worth of degrees). Exactly what value would a bachelor's degree in computer science from the 80's bring to company? Are we expecting fortran and punch cards to make a come back? Did I miss the memo???

So there you have the latest on the job search. Thanks to all of you who have been keeping your fingers crossed for me and keeping my family in your prayers. We hope to have good news soon!

The EQ Factor

I received feedback on my discussion of intelligence from a few people who pointed out that intelligence ought to be considered more than the capacity to think critically and solve problems. It should also encompass everyday common sense and the ability to relate to other people. Apparently pop psychology has also picked up on this as several articles have been out lately suggesting that one’s emotional intelligence quotient (or EQ) is more important than their IQ when it comes to being successful.

I first heard of emotional intelligence during one of my interviews. I was asked to take an online test that provided the potential employer with my leadership profile. The final report was 13 pages and surprisingly accurate! Here is the executive summary:

High Trait – Patience (with Conformity as a close second)
Low Trait – Dominance
Decision Making – Rational
Energy – Very High
Stress – Mildly Stressed
Leadership Style – Mentor

Your responses indicate that your Emotional Intelligence is exceptionally well developed. You tend to understand the emotional makeup of others, and to accurately sense what other people are feeling. Because you find it easy to see the world from another person's perspective, it is likely that you associate with a diverse group of people. You work for reasons beyond money or status. It is likely that you are proficient in both maintaining relationships and networking. You think before speaking, and form carefully considered judgments about people or situations. Furthermore, you are aware of the impact of your emotions on others.

The results were given to me in a second interview and the interviewer asked me if they came out the way I had expected. I said yes, with only a few small exceptions, the report described me pretty well. I then asked her if the results were what she had expected (we had a fairly lengthy first interview). She said she was a bit surprised that I scored so low on the dominance scale. Based on her initial meeting with me, she had thought that would be my high trait. This is a recurring "first impression" theme for me. My guess is that people frequently try to follow some logic that says if I am not easily intimidated by others, I must be intimidating to others.

In an earlier blog, I questioned how one draws feedback out of others to aid personal development. In that specific example, I had learned of a comment made about me by someone who didn’t know me terribly well and found it to be an interesting opportunity to learn about how impressions develop early in a relationship. Fortunately, that person got to know me well enough that I was able to ask that question – “What is it about me that makes me come across as believing I’m superior to others?” His answer was worthy of interest at the time but became remarkably more so when paired with a statement made by a speaker at a seminar I attended just a few days later. “It’s in your eyes, “ he said. He went on to explain how my eyes show the way I calculate my surroundings to determine my response. The speed at which I process things coupled with my strong personality can be intimidating (actually, I think “a turn-off” is the phrase he used!). Of course, he went on to reaffirm that those were just first impressions and that he has a completely different opinion now.

I smiled and told him he was right. However, in those few seconds of processing, I’m judging myself, not other people. I explained my process: 1) Identify what I’m feeling, 2) Pinpoint why I am feeling it (what was the trigger), 3) Decide if it is an appropriate feeling to have, and 4) Decide if it is an appropriate feeling to express. This is, apparently, that emotional intelligence referenced in my profile, although I consider it more of a matter of self-control than anything else. In my world, logic always supercedes emotion – an emotion that isn’t supported by factual events is most likely the result of a defense mechanism, which to me implies one has permitted animalist instinct to have more power than reason.

Nonetheless, I am continually surprised by people (even very intelligent people) who exhibit completely inappropriate emotional reactions. Now, I’m not referring to gut instinct or intuitive perception – I’m talking about the all too common attitude of, “Something is wrong in my life and I’m blaming you because its easier than admitting that I might not be perfect or, worse yet, that there are some things I can’t control.” It has taken me some time to realize that there is nothing I can do to control these reactions in people because they are doing what they need to do to cope with the situation at hand. I used to take it personally when I was the target of such a response, but now I’ve learned to let go and accept that people with these coping skills aren’t the kind of people I need to have close relationships with anyway. I realize that may sound harsh but it isn’t intended to – I will still pray for their struggles and wish them success, and I will be there for them when they need me to, but I will not count on them being there for me. Volatility is not something I’ve had much interest in when it comes to my closest relationships.

A few days after the “it’s in your eyes” conversation, I attended a women’s seminar sponsored by our area local churches. The speaker made two statements that struck me in the wake of this conversation. First, “the eyes are the window to the soul.” This is a fairly common saying, but she elaborated on it with her second statement, “If I look at you with kind and gentle eyes, and I see your value, you will grow in my presence.”

This is where it all comes together. I believe that if I look at you with kind and gentle eyes, you will feel you can approach me without being threatened. However, my actions must show that I respect you as a person and that I believe in your worth before I can have a positive impact on your life. The question for me then becomes one of fixing that contradiction between initial introduction and long-term relationship.