What is effective communication?

It isn't uncommon for some of my friends to approach me and ask for advice about how to communicate with a difficult person or convey unpleasant news. The rules that make up the foundation of effective communication are simple (yes, there are times that require you to deviate and use more complex tactics, but in most situations the following works):

1) Regardless of the situation and your feelings for the person you are dealing with, that person deserves your respect as a living and breathing human being. I don't care how in the right you are or how smarter you are than the other person, the moment they sense that from you they become defensive and stop listening. No matter what creation theory you subscribe to, we all came from the same place and started out with the same value and potential, and this person is more important than you to at least one other person on this earth. I have coached people through phone calls where the most meaningful advice I gave was to speak with love, because anything else you say will be lost if you haven't given the other person a reason to listen to you. And by the way, it is impossible to predict what tone someone will insert when reading an email from you, so save those for good friends who know you well.

2) I don't care what you think that person has done or how you feel they have wronged you, you don't know the full story until you stop making assumptions about their behaviors and give them an opportunity to explain them. This means asking them and letting them answer without interrupting them or telling them why they did something. I would rather assume that a miscommunication happened than assume that someone intentionally did something to wrong me. I have yet to meet anyone who enjoyed doing things for no other reason than to upset someone else.

3) Stay calm. If something really upset you, wait until you've cooled down to discuss it. If you can't maintain control of your emotions, then stop talking and ask to finish the discussion later.

4) Stay focused on one issue at a time. Even if you're angry about several things, pick the most important issue and make the objective of your conversation the resolution of that issue.

I love watching people and I'm amazed at how much anger I've seen lately. Remember the finite intelligence theory? Well, I'm starting to think that a certain amount of anger is brought into the world with each person born and it gets distributed among everyone else when you die. So while average intelligence is slowly dropping while the population grows, anger is steadily on the rise. In the last few weeks, I've been shocked by the number of people I've witnessed cursing out inanimate objects.

I also like to watch people communicate and evaluate what it is they really mean to say. For example, I have a friend who is frequently accused of being harsh and overbearing. She has been working hard at overcoming this image, but after being that way for so long people have just come to expect that of her and they frequently read hostility into completely benign communications from her. I watched closely and put my finger on something. Whenever she asks a question, she explains why she is asking. Rather than spending 5 seconds on just stating the question, she spends 30 seconds justifying why the motivation behind the question is compassion rather than hostility.

For example, there was a time when she would've confronted someone who was late with a reminder of their commitment and everyone else's busy schedule. Now, she expresses concern over if the person is OK. But rather than saying, "Oh, I'm glad you made it. Is everything OK?" She'll say something like, "Oh, you made it. Why are you late? I'm not asking because we were waiting on you or anything, we had other things to work on so it is no big deal. So-and-so was late, too, but you're usually on time so I just wanted to make sure everything is OK. Is it?" Suddenly a big fuss was made over something that was most likely as simple as waiting for an extra long train. People pick up on this big fuss and either don't believe your excuse for asking the question, or feel bad that you feel you have to explain to them that your question was a casual one. Either way, the original intent of care and concern is lost.