The EQ Factor

I received feedback on my discussion of intelligence from a few people who pointed out that intelligence ought to be considered more than the capacity to think critically and solve problems. It should also encompass everyday common sense and the ability to relate to other people. Apparently pop psychology has also picked up on this as several articles have been out lately suggesting that one’s emotional intelligence quotient (or EQ) is more important than their IQ when it comes to being successful.

I first heard of emotional intelligence during one of my interviews. I was asked to take an online test that provided the potential employer with my leadership profile. The final report was 13 pages and surprisingly accurate! Here is the executive summary:

High Trait – Patience (with Conformity as a close second)
Low Trait – Dominance
Decision Making – Rational
Energy – Very High
Stress – Mildly Stressed
Leadership Style – Mentor

Your responses indicate that your Emotional Intelligence is exceptionally well developed. You tend to understand the emotional makeup of others, and to accurately sense what other people are feeling. Because you find it easy to see the world from another person's perspective, it is likely that you associate with a diverse group of people. You work for reasons beyond money or status. It is likely that you are proficient in both maintaining relationships and networking. You think before speaking, and form carefully considered judgments about people or situations. Furthermore, you are aware of the impact of your emotions on others.

The results were given to me in a second interview and the interviewer asked me if they came out the way I had expected. I said yes, with only a few small exceptions, the report described me pretty well. I then asked her if the results were what she had expected (we had a fairly lengthy first interview). She said she was a bit surprised that I scored so low on the dominance scale. Based on her initial meeting with me, she had thought that would be my high trait. This is a recurring "first impression" theme for me. My guess is that people frequently try to follow some logic that says if I am not easily intimidated by others, I must be intimidating to others.

In an earlier blog, I questioned how one draws feedback out of others to aid personal development. In that specific example, I had learned of a comment made about me by someone who didn’t know me terribly well and found it to be an interesting opportunity to learn about how impressions develop early in a relationship. Fortunately, that person got to know me well enough that I was able to ask that question – “What is it about me that makes me come across as believing I’m superior to others?” His answer was worthy of interest at the time but became remarkably more so when paired with a statement made by a speaker at a seminar I attended just a few days later. “It’s in your eyes, “ he said. He went on to explain how my eyes show the way I calculate my surroundings to determine my response. The speed at which I process things coupled with my strong personality can be intimidating (actually, I think “a turn-off” is the phrase he used!). Of course, he went on to reaffirm that those were just first impressions and that he has a completely different opinion now.

I smiled and told him he was right. However, in those few seconds of processing, I’m judging myself, not other people. I explained my process: 1) Identify what I’m feeling, 2) Pinpoint why I am feeling it (what was the trigger), 3) Decide if it is an appropriate feeling to have, and 4) Decide if it is an appropriate feeling to express. This is, apparently, that emotional intelligence referenced in my profile, although I consider it more of a matter of self-control than anything else. In my world, logic always supercedes emotion – an emotion that isn’t supported by factual events is most likely the result of a defense mechanism, which to me implies one has permitted animalist instinct to have more power than reason.

Nonetheless, I am continually surprised by people (even very intelligent people) who exhibit completely inappropriate emotional reactions. Now, I’m not referring to gut instinct or intuitive perception – I’m talking about the all too common attitude of, “Something is wrong in my life and I’m blaming you because its easier than admitting that I might not be perfect or, worse yet, that there are some things I can’t control.” It has taken me some time to realize that there is nothing I can do to control these reactions in people because they are doing what they need to do to cope with the situation at hand. I used to take it personally when I was the target of such a response, but now I’ve learned to let go and accept that people with these coping skills aren’t the kind of people I need to have close relationships with anyway. I realize that may sound harsh but it isn’t intended to – I will still pray for their struggles and wish them success, and I will be there for them when they need me to, but I will not count on them being there for me. Volatility is not something I’ve had much interest in when it comes to my closest relationships.

A few days after the “it’s in your eyes” conversation, I attended a women’s seminar sponsored by our area local churches. The speaker made two statements that struck me in the wake of this conversation. First, “the eyes are the window to the soul.” This is a fairly common saying, but she elaborated on it with her second statement, “If I look at you with kind and gentle eyes, and I see your value, you will grow in my presence.”

This is where it all comes together. I believe that if I look at you with kind and gentle eyes, you will feel you can approach me without being threatened. However, my actions must show that I respect you as a person and that I believe in your worth before I can have a positive impact on your life. The question for me then becomes one of fixing that contradiction between initial introduction and long-term relationship.