Step Parenting Part 3 - The Referee

There comes a time in most step children's lives when they start asking grown-up questions. As they start understanding more about relationships, the start wondering why their mom and dad aren't together anymore. Now is the time to start preparing your response. Why? Because if you wait until the question is asked, you might be caught too off guard to give the right answer.

What is the right answer? Not everyone has the same opinion, but in my situation, I am the only adult in the picture who's parents are also divorced and for that reason, I consider myself more qualified than DH and BM to address this topic.

Too often, divorced parents take advantage of this opportunity to gain some sympathy from their children which is NOT an appropriate spot to put your child in. This may seem hard to believe, but as the step parent, you have the least emotional stake in this game. Yes, your spouse's ex might be a constant source of frustration but I strongly suggestion you let it bounce off you because getting worked up about something you can't control will only cause you more stress. If the parents start trash talking each other, assign yourself the duty of damage control. Remind your spouse that the children are already in a situation they don't want to be in. Exposing them to grown-up stuff will only make matters worse.

Most importantly, be aware that adults only tell their side of the story or their perception of what went wrong. The only thing this accomplishes is it forces a barrier between the child and the parent being talked about at a time when the child really needs reassurance that Mom and Dad's love for him/her will remain unchanged. The only person getting hurt is the child.

I've had this conversation a few times now. I'm in a fortunate situation where my skids are comfortable coming to me to talk about their concerns. When I was pregnant with my son, my SD told me that she asked her mom why Daddy doesn't live with them. The answer she was given was that he couldn't handle the responsibility of another child (she was one year old at the time her parents separated and 4-5 when we had this talk). Imagine what must have been going through my SD's head when she learned that her dad was having another baby.

Imagine the responses just waiting to be blurted out! "Well, honey, your mom has a history of making up nasty stories about your dad so that she will get sympathy. That story is a blatant lie and I'm sorry you had to hear that." STOP!

Rule #1 - Never bad-mouth the other parent in front of the children.
Rule #2 - If you find out the other parent bad-mouthed you to the kids, see rule #1. Be the better person. The kids will catch on some day.

So instead, I told her that sometimes grown-ups stop loving each other and when they don't understand why, they look for possible reasons. The most important thing, though, is that parents can't stop loving their children... it's physically impossible... and your dad loves spending time with you.

Divorced parents sometimes twist the truth to something that removes blame from them. For example, "If it weren't for the fact that I'd lose half of what I have, I would've kicked you out long ago" becomes "I didn't want him to go, I begged him to stay but he left anyway." I actually talked to their BM about this when they brought this story to me and she didn't remember saying it, but the kids remember hearing it. And the list goes on... tales so amazing that her own neighbors have approached us to tell us what they've been told and how they can't believe it is possibly true... stories about how we neglect the children, leave them locked up in a parked car for hours, refuse to give them their medication or feed them. Some completely untrue, some twisted versions of the truth (SD had to take a time out during dinner one night because she refused to pray with the rest of the family when we sat down. The other kids ate quickly and left the table before she returned so she ate alone. This turned into an accusation of not feeding the child).

This question came up again recently. My SD, now 9 years old, came to me with a new story - that Daddy was dating another woman while they were married. So, I decided it was time for a serious heart to heart with this child, and I suggest you prepare similar verbiage that you're comfortable with should you be faced with this situation.

Me: "Sometimes when grown ups get upset about something, they forget the details of what really happened, or they look for reasons that make them feel better about themselves. This sounds like one of those times and I know for certain that if you asked your mommy and daddy that same question, you would get different answers."

SD: "What would Daddy tell me?"

Me: "I think he would tell you that he loves you very much and that they had grown-up problems that you might not understand yet and that you shouldn't have to worry about. You see, most of the time when two grown-ups have problems, both of them share the fault. While your mom and dad might not have been very good at being a wife and husband to each other, they are both very good and being a mom and dad who love you. That is the most important thing for you to understand because I don't think you really want to hear them saying bad things about each other."

SD: "No, I don't."

Simple and effective. An honest answer that shows you care about their best interests more than making yourself look good (of course, I'm assuming both parents are mentally stable and the children aren't at risk of being abused). Please remember that children really don't want their image of their parents tarnished. Someone can be a terrible spouse but a good parent and children have a right to love their mom or dad without that bond being clouded by the relationship problems in the marriage.

I love you

My five year old always finds the most adorable ways to say, "I love you." Before bed tonight, he sang to me:

I love you a little, I love you lots
My love for you will fill ten pots,
Fifteen buckets, sixteen cans,
Five teacups and Four dishpans

Step Parenting Part 2 - Role Model

Today I am home alone with SD... OK, before we go further, a quick lesson on the typical blended family abbreviations:

SD/BD = Stepdaughter / Biological daughter
SS/BS = Stepson / Biological son
SK (skids) /BK (bkids) = Stepkids / Biological kids
DH = Darling Husband (or dick head, depending on your mood)
BM = Biological Mother (again, you can get creative depending on your mood)
WIL = Wife-In-Law, not used too often, but one of my favorites. This is the relationship between two women who were married to the same man at different points in time.
My son = for clarification, the biological child of my husband and me.

Anyway, DH took the boys (SS and my son) to EAA today (EAA has nothing to do with blended families, it is the Experimental Aircraft Association). My SD decided she would rather stay home with me. Despite the fact that weekend visits are supposed to be visitation time with her dad, she loves to get rid of the boys and have "girl time" (especially since her mom started a serious relationship) with me, so that's just what we do. Sometimes we cook, go shopping, whatever we feel like.

I know stepmoms who would be annoyed by this - afterall, it isn't their child, why should they have to give up a Saturday? Here is one of many answers - because it is a nice thing to do for your husband so he doesn't have to drag a completely bored pre-teen around all day and if you have a problem doing something nice for your spouse, then I would question why you married him.

That's not my reason, though. I actually do enjoy it. In addition, remember how you don't get a choice in how your DH and WIF decide to raise their children? Well, you DO have a choice in the type of role model you decide to be. Remember the aversion the skids have to daily bathing? I can't force the issue, but it certainly wouldn't be my fault if SD saw me lavishing myself in long bubble baths and pampering hair treatments and decided she wanted to give it a try herself, right? I took this approach several months ago and it worked!

I have a two person ThermoMasseur air jet bathtub which makes a great play area for kids who need to get clean without knowing it. The air jets allow you to add anything from bath salts to oils to bubbles to the bath. My SD has been in there for over an hour, right now bubbles exceed the top of the tub by at least 5 inches and a big mass of bubbles just ran down the side of the tub deck.
When SD comes over, she loves to soak in my tub and sit under the hair dryer for a deep conditioning treatment. Her aversion to bathing normally extends to hair combing, nail trimming, and wearing clothes that match and fit appropriately, but on spa day, that all goes out the window. A few months ago I spent about 1/2 hour with her while she was in the tub and taught her how to wash her hair. Her distaste for anything related to hair hygiene coupled with regular swimming lessons left me with quite a challenge. Her hair went from greenish and straw-like on the ends to roots saturated in so much oil and dead skin that it rivaled the worst case of cradle cap that I had ever seen.

So we scrubbed and scrubbed - we tried three different shampoos from clarifying to dandruff to moisturizing and ended with a deep conditioning on those ends. When we were done, I handed her a comb and she hesitantly raised it to her head. She closed her eyes and squinted in anticipation as she started to pull it threw her hair, then opened them in amazement when the comb slid right through with no effort. She gave me a huge smile and honestly, she looked like she was about to cry. She asked me if I would teach her every other weekend until she memorized what her head felt like because she never wanted it to feel the other way again. So this has become our routine. Throw in a manicure or pedicure, a french braid and flavored lip gloss and VIOLA! We've got ourselves a little lady.

Of course, life isn't always perfect. She still pouts when asked to shower or comb her hair before school and while she always wants me to take her shopping, she rarely wears the clothes she picked out on those trips. I have had no success convincing either skid that buttons, snaps and zippers can serve a helpful purpose on clothes (they live in elastic waist pull on clothes... not terribly conducive to occasions like Easter and Christmas).

I realize this is a pretty thin example of my point. I pride myself more on the examples I set by not raising my voice or by treating my friends and family with kindness and respect, but those stories just aren't as much fun to tell.

All in all, I like to think that even without spoken rules, my actions will help SD learn to respect and take care of herself and that the little lessons about combs and conditioner today will grow into more important lessons about self-confidence and healthy living in the future.

Step Parenting Part 1 - Rules

When I decided to marry a man with children, I did a lot of research on the challenges of step parenting and blended families. I even joined a "second wives" support group and spent countless hours reading the horror stories second wives wrote about their relationship with their stepchildren and the "bio mom". I eventually quit the group because it was just too depressing, I decided I couldn't let my life become like the stories I was reading and that I obviously needed to come up with my own rules. A few people have asked me about being a stepmom and here is what I tell them:

First, you may think you know what you are getting into, but until you are really in the situation full time, you really don't know what to expect because each family is different. Second, you need to understand your role as a step parent and finally, you and your spouse (and, ideally, the other biological parent) need to agree on each of your expectations of each other in the situation.

I started out by customizing our wedding ceremony to reflect the union of a family, not just two people. After my husband and I exchanged vows and rings, his children joined us in forming a circle and we exchanged vows and rings with the children. When I married my husband, I vowed to "always to love, teach, protect, and enjoy those who are heart of his heart and flesh of his flesh... be fair and honest, never treating [Child 1] and [Child 2] less than [my] own in [my] heart and judgment... come into their lives not to replace a mother they love, but as a friend strive to make [my] own place in their hearts."

That's all nice and wonderful fluffy stuff, but now that over five years have passed, let me tell you what it boils down to. I'm not going to spend time discussing how to deal with step relationship challenges because I believe those conversations make it too easy to overlook the most basic, obvious fact - that these are children who are in a situation they don't want to be in through no fault of their own. Having this understanding coupled with a good grasp of your, your spouses and his or her children's rights and responsibilities will make your new life much easier. Since I have a lot to say on this, I'm going to approach this in parts.

Part 1 - Rules

The biological parents have the right to decide how they want to raise their children. You have the right to disagree with them (behind closed doors when the children aren't around). You have the right to raise your own children differently. But, you have the responsibility of respecting the biological parents' decisions and the only time you have the right to go against them is if those decisions threaten the well-being of the child. Despite parenting decisions that might differ from yours, you do have the right to create and enforce whatever household rules you deem appropriate.

So, let's say your fourteen year old stepdaughter is dating a 16 year old boy who has a car. Her biological parents are OK with this but you aren't. When the child stays with the other parent, he frequently takes her out until quite late. Her grades slip from A's to B's but the biological parents still don't mind. You don't have the right to prevent your stepdaughter from dating this boy and you don't have the right to require her to maintain a certain GPA. You do, however, have the right to impose a curfew at your house or a rule that says homework must be done before recreational activities. You also have the right to prevent her from getting in a car with someone who has been drinking. You can get creative here. For example, my stepchildren are supposed to bathe on gym days. I think they need to bathe every day but their mother does not agree. So, I have a house rule that says you can't come to the dinner table smelling stronger than the food.

Yes, I'm exaggerating a bit, but the point is that kids can very easily adapt to different rule sets. Some authorities will try to tell you it is confusing, but lets be honest - millions of kids go from home to daycare to school to grandma's with different rules at each place and they adapt just fine.

On more thing about rules, you may eventually hear the "you're not my mom/dad" statement. Be ready with your response so that it is calm and not reactionary. They are right, you aren't the mom or dad. However, you are an adult sharing space with them and you have the same right to expect rules to be followed as a teacher, a policeman, or any other authority figure in their life.

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to me,
I'm home all alone,
Our yard is covered with garbage....
And it's freezing outside.

I actually have a recording of my five year old singing happy birthday to someone else, so I'll just listen to that and pretend I'm my sister.

Yes, pathetic, isn't it? It is 20 degrees Fahrenheit outside with a windchill of at least 10 degrees less, completely dark, and my garbage can is half way down a snow covered and heavily wooded hill. See this?


Those lines represent a fourty foot, ice covered drop. That red dot is about the location of my garbage can. I'm going to stay pleasantly snuggled under my blanket on the couch until my husband returns home in a few days. After all, the trees will hold it... it won't go anywhere, right?

Just Zip It!

Someone asked me write about people who don't keep secrets, so I pondered.... and thought... and considered... and finally asked my five year old what he thought. You see, while I came up with all sorts of theories about why some people like to tell other people's secrets and what secrets are OK to share, I kept coming back to the same basic principle: Unless keeping a secret is going to cause harm to someone else, just zip it. My five year old's simple response rings true, "People who tell your secrets aren't being good friends and I wouldn't want to play with them anymore."

I was recently faced with a situation where I had kept a secret for over a year. The secret was something I stumbled over, it wasn't expressly shared with me. As time passed, it became very obvious that hiding the information I was privy to could cause significant damage to people I care about. I was tormented. I spoke to my pastor about it. And finally, just over a month ago, I shared the information with the person it impacted the most having no idea how it would be received. I was fortunate in that my friend was very happy I brought it up and the knowledge I shared explained all kinds of strange behavior and brought clarity to decisions that were on the brink of being made.

Now on the flip side, I have another friend who shared a secret with me. This secret would not cause harm to anyone. In fact, it was very good news. My friend's coworker discovered this secret and despite a direct request not to share the secret until my friend was ready to make it public. This coworker promptly returned to the office and started talking.

Why steal someone else's thunder? Why tell someone else's story? Frankly, if doing so doesn't prevent a hazardous situation (be it personal injury or I'll even accept business success as a reasonable excuse, as long as you're only telling someone higher up on the org chart), telling secrets is nothing more than gossip and only serves to demonstrate that the teller lacks integrity and can't be trusted.

Next time you are tempted to reveal someone else's personal information, take a few moments to consider this.