Step Parenting Part 3 - The Referee

There comes a time in most step children's lives when they start asking grown-up questions. As they start understanding more about relationships, the start wondering why their mom and dad aren't together anymore. Now is the time to start preparing your response. Why? Because if you wait until the question is asked, you might be caught too off guard to give the right answer.

What is the right answer? Not everyone has the same opinion, but in my situation, I am the only adult in the picture who's parents are also divorced and for that reason, I consider myself more qualified than DH and BM to address this topic.

Too often, divorced parents take advantage of this opportunity to gain some sympathy from their children which is NOT an appropriate spot to put your child in. This may seem hard to believe, but as the step parent, you have the least emotional stake in this game. Yes, your spouse's ex might be a constant source of frustration but I strongly suggestion you let it bounce off you because getting worked up about something you can't control will only cause you more stress. If the parents start trash talking each other, assign yourself the duty of damage control. Remind your spouse that the children are already in a situation they don't want to be in. Exposing them to grown-up stuff will only make matters worse.

Most importantly, be aware that adults only tell their side of the story or their perception of what went wrong. The only thing this accomplishes is it forces a barrier between the child and the parent being talked about at a time when the child really needs reassurance that Mom and Dad's love for him/her will remain unchanged. The only person getting hurt is the child.

I've had this conversation a few times now. I'm in a fortunate situation where my skids are comfortable coming to me to talk about their concerns. When I was pregnant with my son, my SD told me that she asked her mom why Daddy doesn't live with them. The answer she was given was that he couldn't handle the responsibility of another child (she was one year old at the time her parents separated and 4-5 when we had this talk). Imagine what must have been going through my SD's head when she learned that her dad was having another baby.

Imagine the responses just waiting to be blurted out! "Well, honey, your mom has a history of making up nasty stories about your dad so that she will get sympathy. That story is a blatant lie and I'm sorry you had to hear that." STOP!

Rule #1 - Never bad-mouth the other parent in front of the children.
Rule #2 - If you find out the other parent bad-mouthed you to the kids, see rule #1. Be the better person. The kids will catch on some day.

So instead, I told her that sometimes grown-ups stop loving each other and when they don't understand why, they look for possible reasons. The most important thing, though, is that parents can't stop loving their children... it's physically impossible... and your dad loves spending time with you.

Divorced parents sometimes twist the truth to something that removes blame from them. For example, "If it weren't for the fact that I'd lose half of what I have, I would've kicked you out long ago" becomes "I didn't want him to go, I begged him to stay but he left anyway." I actually talked to their BM about this when they brought this story to me and she didn't remember saying it, but the kids remember hearing it. And the list goes on... tales so amazing that her own neighbors have approached us to tell us what they've been told and how they can't believe it is possibly true... stories about how we neglect the children, leave them locked up in a parked car for hours, refuse to give them their medication or feed them. Some completely untrue, some twisted versions of the truth (SD had to take a time out during dinner one night because she refused to pray with the rest of the family when we sat down. The other kids ate quickly and left the table before she returned so she ate alone. This turned into an accusation of not feeding the child).

This question came up again recently. My SD, now 9 years old, came to me with a new story - that Daddy was dating another woman while they were married. So, I decided it was time for a serious heart to heart with this child, and I suggest you prepare similar verbiage that you're comfortable with should you be faced with this situation.

Me: "Sometimes when grown ups get upset about something, they forget the details of what really happened, or they look for reasons that make them feel better about themselves. This sounds like one of those times and I know for certain that if you asked your mommy and daddy that same question, you would get different answers."

SD: "What would Daddy tell me?"

Me: "I think he would tell you that he loves you very much and that they had grown-up problems that you might not understand yet and that you shouldn't have to worry about. You see, most of the time when two grown-ups have problems, both of them share the fault. While your mom and dad might not have been very good at being a wife and husband to each other, they are both very good and being a mom and dad who love you. That is the most important thing for you to understand because I don't think you really want to hear them saying bad things about each other."

SD: "No, I don't."

Simple and effective. An honest answer that shows you care about their best interests more than making yourself look good (of course, I'm assuming both parents are mentally stable and the children aren't at risk of being abused). Please remember that children really don't want their image of their parents tarnished. Someone can be a terrible spouse but a good parent and children have a right to love their mom or dad without that bond being clouded by the relationship problems in the marriage.