Step Parenting Part 2 - Role Model

Today I am home alone with SD... OK, before we go further, a quick lesson on the typical blended family abbreviations:

SD/BD = Stepdaughter / Biological daughter
SS/BS = Stepson / Biological son
SK (skids) /BK (bkids) = Stepkids / Biological kids
DH = Darling Husband (or dick head, depending on your mood)
BM = Biological Mother (again, you can get creative depending on your mood)
WIL = Wife-In-Law, not used too often, but one of my favorites. This is the relationship between two women who were married to the same man at different points in time.
My son = for clarification, the biological child of my husband and me.

Anyway, DH took the boys (SS and my son) to EAA today (EAA has nothing to do with blended families, it is the Experimental Aircraft Association). My SD decided she would rather stay home with me. Despite the fact that weekend visits are supposed to be visitation time with her dad, she loves to get rid of the boys and have "girl time" (especially since her mom started a serious relationship) with me, so that's just what we do. Sometimes we cook, go shopping, whatever we feel like.

I know stepmoms who would be annoyed by this - afterall, it isn't their child, why should they have to give up a Saturday? Here is one of many answers - because it is a nice thing to do for your husband so he doesn't have to drag a completely bored pre-teen around all day and if you have a problem doing something nice for your spouse, then I would question why you married him.

That's not my reason, though. I actually do enjoy it. In addition, remember how you don't get a choice in how your DH and WIF decide to raise their children? Well, you DO have a choice in the type of role model you decide to be. Remember the aversion the skids have to daily bathing? I can't force the issue, but it certainly wouldn't be my fault if SD saw me lavishing myself in long bubble baths and pampering hair treatments and decided she wanted to give it a try herself, right? I took this approach several months ago and it worked!

I have a two person ThermoMasseur air jet bathtub which makes a great play area for kids who need to get clean without knowing it. The air jets allow you to add anything from bath salts to oils to bubbles to the bath. My SD has been in there for over an hour, right now bubbles exceed the top of the tub by at least 5 inches and a big mass of bubbles just ran down the side of the tub deck.
When SD comes over, she loves to soak in my tub and sit under the hair dryer for a deep conditioning treatment. Her aversion to bathing normally extends to hair combing, nail trimming, and wearing clothes that match and fit appropriately, but on spa day, that all goes out the window. A few months ago I spent about 1/2 hour with her while she was in the tub and taught her how to wash her hair. Her distaste for anything related to hair hygiene coupled with regular swimming lessons left me with quite a challenge. Her hair went from greenish and straw-like on the ends to roots saturated in so much oil and dead skin that it rivaled the worst case of cradle cap that I had ever seen.

So we scrubbed and scrubbed - we tried three different shampoos from clarifying to dandruff to moisturizing and ended with a deep conditioning on those ends. When we were done, I handed her a comb and she hesitantly raised it to her head. She closed her eyes and squinted in anticipation as she started to pull it threw her hair, then opened them in amazement when the comb slid right through with no effort. She gave me a huge smile and honestly, she looked like she was about to cry. She asked me if I would teach her every other weekend until she memorized what her head felt like because she never wanted it to feel the other way again. So this has become our routine. Throw in a manicure or pedicure, a french braid and flavored lip gloss and VIOLA! We've got ourselves a little lady.

Of course, life isn't always perfect. She still pouts when asked to shower or comb her hair before school and while she always wants me to take her shopping, she rarely wears the clothes she picked out on those trips. I have had no success convincing either skid that buttons, snaps and zippers can serve a helpful purpose on clothes (they live in elastic waist pull on clothes... not terribly conducive to occasions like Easter and Christmas).

I realize this is a pretty thin example of my point. I pride myself more on the examples I set by not raising my voice or by treating my friends and family with kindness and respect, but those stories just aren't as much fun to tell.

All in all, I like to think that even without spoken rules, my actions will help SD learn to respect and take care of herself and that the little lessons about combs and conditioner today will grow into more important lessons about self-confidence and healthy living in the future.