Step Parenting Part 1 - Rules

When I decided to marry a man with children, I did a lot of research on the challenges of step parenting and blended families. I even joined a "second wives" support group and spent countless hours reading the horror stories second wives wrote about their relationship with their stepchildren and the "bio mom". I eventually quit the group because it was just too depressing, I decided I couldn't let my life become like the stories I was reading and that I obviously needed to come up with my own rules. A few people have asked me about being a stepmom and here is what I tell them:

First, you may think you know what you are getting into, but until you are really in the situation full time, you really don't know what to expect because each family is different. Second, you need to understand your role as a step parent and finally, you and your spouse (and, ideally, the other biological parent) need to agree on each of your expectations of each other in the situation.

I started out by customizing our wedding ceremony to reflect the union of a family, not just two people. After my husband and I exchanged vows and rings, his children joined us in forming a circle and we exchanged vows and rings with the children. When I married my husband, I vowed to "always to love, teach, protect, and enjoy those who are heart of his heart and flesh of his flesh... be fair and honest, never treating [Child 1] and [Child 2] less than [my] own in [my] heart and judgment... come into their lives not to replace a mother they love, but as a friend strive to make [my] own place in their hearts."

That's all nice and wonderful fluffy stuff, but now that over five years have passed, let me tell you what it boils down to. I'm not going to spend time discussing how to deal with step relationship challenges because I believe those conversations make it too easy to overlook the most basic, obvious fact - that these are children who are in a situation they don't want to be in through no fault of their own. Having this understanding coupled with a good grasp of your, your spouses and his or her children's rights and responsibilities will make your new life much easier. Since I have a lot to say on this, I'm going to approach this in parts.

Part 1 - Rules

The biological parents have the right to decide how they want to raise their children. You have the right to disagree with them (behind closed doors when the children aren't around). You have the right to raise your own children differently. But, you have the responsibility of respecting the biological parents' decisions and the only time you have the right to go against them is if those decisions threaten the well-being of the child. Despite parenting decisions that might differ from yours, you do have the right to create and enforce whatever household rules you deem appropriate.

So, let's say your fourteen year old stepdaughter is dating a 16 year old boy who has a car. Her biological parents are OK with this but you aren't. When the child stays with the other parent, he frequently takes her out until quite late. Her grades slip from A's to B's but the biological parents still don't mind. You don't have the right to prevent your stepdaughter from dating this boy and you don't have the right to require her to maintain a certain GPA. You do, however, have the right to impose a curfew at your house or a rule that says homework must be done before recreational activities. You also have the right to prevent her from getting in a car with someone who has been drinking. You can get creative here. For example, my stepchildren are supposed to bathe on gym days. I think they need to bathe every day but their mother does not agree. So, I have a house rule that says you can't come to the dinner table smelling stronger than the food.

Yes, I'm exaggerating a bit, but the point is that kids can very easily adapt to different rule sets. Some authorities will try to tell you it is confusing, but lets be honest - millions of kids go from home to daycare to school to grandma's with different rules at each place and they adapt just fine.

On more thing about rules, you may eventually hear the "you're not my mom/dad" statement. Be ready with your response so that it is calm and not reactionary. They are right, you aren't the mom or dad. However, you are an adult sharing space with them and you have the same right to expect rules to be followed as a teacher, a policeman, or any other authority figure in their life.