Small world

On the left is a photo from a realtor's web site. It is a kitchen from a house for sale only a few miles from mine.





Below is my kitchen. Now, I personally picked the colors and cabinets and the pot rack was not a standard feature.





Just one of those strange things in life, I guess. Right when you think you're unique, you find out someone else thinks just likes you, but has better taste in appliances.







Oh well.... my bathroom still kicks ass.

Mi Mancherai

The other day I drove past a little building with a sign in front that read:

"(Linex - scratched out) Lenux Programmer Wanted".

I was thrilled! Why, you might ask? Because whenever someone has asked me how much I know about Linux, my answer has been "Well, I know how to spell it". This sign proved me wrong. No, I haven't been misspelling Linux after all this time - it proved that I actually know more than I give myself credit for because I also know that it is an open source operating system, not a programming language. OK, and my file server at home is running Red Hat but that's mostly the result of my husband's anti-"MicroSlop" campaign.

Somehow this funny sign led me to thinking about other written words that are misinterpretted and I ended up thinking about my screen name: Donna Vera. It isn't a name. My real name isn't Donna, and Donna isn't the name of my internet alter ego (if I had one, it would be something more like Zelda or Tatiana). So, here is the history...

Prior to my current unemployed state, someone asked me "When was the last you time relaxed?" Admittedly, they were making a point and probably didn't really expect an answer, but I gave one nonetheless: in mid-August, 2004, I relaxed for two consecutive nights. Why? Because I was with a perfect man (and I say this with all due respect to my husband, who is the perfect husband and whose countless deliveries of breakfast in bed have not been forgotten). Sorry ladies, this is purely platonic, not a romantic story about forbidden passion - after all, my family reads this!

I was on a business trip in Italy visiting one of our plants. The IT manager I met with greeted me with the typical kiss on both cheeks (very culturally appropriate, anything less would've been a slight), gave me a tour of the plant, he talked about his technology needs (apologizing unnecessarily for his english) and listened to me talk about upcoming corporate projects. On most of my international trips, I had dinner with the local IT staff and this trip was no different. When he asked if I'd rather have dinner by the sea or in a garden, I said "Yes!" So we did just that.

That evening, we drove into Naples and had dinner at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the gulf. I couldn't read the menu and his english wasn't good enough to translate it so he ordered for me. After a few bites of my meal, I tried to ask him what I was eating. He said, "Don't worry... I'll tell you tomorrow". It wasn't bad, it turned out to be monkfish, squid and baby octopus. A far cry from the fresh seafood selections in southeastern Wisconsin! Over a wonderful glass of wine, I learned to say, "Sono molto felice!"

The next evening we drove into the mountains in Sorrento. Sorrento has probably become my favorite place on earth. We walked around, he and the plant manager waited patiently while I did some shopping, and we had dinner in another beautiful restaurant. The plant manager ordered a bottle of wine and for the first time in my life I saw someone sample the wine when the waiter poured it and send it back for a bottle of something else. We settled on a bottle of Lacrimarosa and I learned to say, "È stata una bellissima serata!"

So how does this all define the perfect platonic man? Simply put, he's polite, has a PhD in computer science and is intelligent enough to get the job done but doesn't speak enough English to give me any shit, doesn't complaint while I shop and can pick a great restaurant and a great bottle of wine without expecting sex. For all these reasons, to him I say "Mi macherai." (I will miss you).

Back to my point. 20% of our business was in Italy and because I enjoyed the area so much, I took an Italian class upon my return. "Donna vera" is Italian for true woman.

Ciao!

Vent

I've been called unemotional in the past, which doesn't really bother me because nobody can really judge what you're feeling inside, only what you show on the outside. So, while I may openly wear my opinions on my sleeve, I don't necessarily wear my heart on my sleeve (I'd hate to fall into the trap of the Barenaked Ladies, "I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve, I have a history of taking off my shirt..."). Nonetheless, while I may appear controlled on the outside, I do still FEEL on the inside and sometimes... especially at 4:00 am when I can't sleep... I just need to VENT. Consider this verbal vomit, something I will most likely go back and frantically delete in a momentary lapse of common sense and composure. Until that time comes, I need to get a few things off my chest. Here goes:

• To the woman who gave me a dirty look for almost running into her at a busy intersection -> when the light turns red, it means stop. Just because the two cars ahead of you chose to ignore that little detail, you should be the bigger person. Furthermore, by slowing down at the intersection, you gave the illusion of owning some common sense. Perhaps actually using your directional to indicate your intentions would've given the rest of us a clue that you were negotiating a turn rather than stopping to obey traffic laws. People like you give women drivers a bad name.
• To grocery store owners -> 6% of the US adult population is diagnosed with diabetes, 17% have high cholesterol, and 25% are hypertensive (I'm not even going to bother looking up how many adults need more fiber in their diet...). Why do you pack your aisles full of sugar free and low fat selections that are still packed full of sodium? Do you not realize you are feeding the silent killer of a quarter of the adult population?
• The second point is such an irritant for me that it warrants another bullet. Salt is an ionic compound composed of a cation (+) and an anion (-). Sodium is an element (Na) with the atomic number 11. Sodium, commonly digested in a salt form combined with chlorine, is bad for people with high blood pressure. Not adding salt to your food does not make your diet low in sodium. Baking powder and baking soda are very high in sodium, making baked goods some of the biggest offenders. Cheese (other than swiss) is also very high as are most deli meats. Even whole turkeys these days are injected with sodium rich broth to add flavor. The USRDA for sodium is 3000 mg. People with high blood pressure should keep it around 1400 - 1500 per day. When I watch my sodium intake, I keep it between 500 - 700 mg per day (this is probably too low for most healthy individuals, so I'm not suggesting you follow suit). So, consider the following if I show up for dinner at your house with my own bowl of fruit:
  

* Small order of McDonald's french fries = 140 mg of sodium
* 20 Lay's potato chips = 180 mg of sodium
* 1 cup of Raisin Bran cereal = 350 mg of sodium
* a 3 oz hamburger bun = 480 mg of sodium
* a serving of Bush's baked beans = 550 mg of sodium
* one cup of spaghetti sauce = 1000 mg of sodium

• To my former employer -> Thank you for the gracious way that you handled the recent reduction in force. Thank you for the modest severence package that you were not obligated to provide. I hope you will understand, however, if I remain somewhat bitter over the fact that the combined sum of the severance you offered to the 50% of my staff whose positions you eliminated totaled less than half of what you gave to our department head who you fired just two months earlier FOR CAUSE.
• To the men in my family -> please take more care to abide by our local town ordinances, particularly the one which prohibits: "...things within the town emitting or causing any foul, offensive, noisome, nauseous, noxious, or disagreeable odors, effluvia or stenches extremely repulsive to the physical senses of ordinary persons..."

And on that note, I'm going to play a few rounds of solitaire and head for bed. Good night!

Another day, another dollar?

I can't believe how busy I've kept myself... I haven't even had time to keep my handful of readers up to date! I've had a couple phone interviews this week and I know my resume has made it into the hands of a couple hiring managers, so hopefully I'll get a few more calls next week. The company I had discussed in previous blogs went with the other candidate, but being faithful that everything happens for a reason, I'm chalking it up as an opportunity to meet some great people and hone my interview skills. Now, to be quite honest, there is one glaring reason for me not to work there that immediately comes to mind -- they are right across the street from one of my favorite shopping malls. Any offer they might have made would've immediately depreciated by at least 10%. But, I got some good blogging material from them so who am I to complain!

Coincidentally, I found out today that one of my former employees is leaving my troubled former employer to work for a software company near one of my favorite shopping areas. The odds of it being for the same job I interviewed for are probably small, but I must say - If I had to lose out to someone else, I hope it is him. That would give me a certain sense of relief, knowing that they still made a good choice (after all, I hired him, too!).

So, in the meantime, I've been keeping myself busy contemplating a complete career change, making my own homemade body scrubs, helping the church secretary print name labels for the upcoming women's day, creating a project plan for the Madrigal Dinner fundraiser, helping a friend with her son's virus infested computer, helping a neighbor with a failed power supply, and conversing with my husband in the finer points of data encapsulation and the OSI model. Oh yes, and mentally creating a "How to know when you are about to lose your job" list. Here's how far I've gotten:

You know you're about to lose your job when:

• Everything you need to finish your home is included in a big sale that begins next week.
• Your wedding ring needs to be sent back to the manufacturer for $1300 worth of repairs.
  
• You just booked a week long vacation to northern California to tour wine country.
• You see a great job posted but decide not to apply because your company has always treated you well.
• In a two week period, four people ask you if you'd like to move to the other side of the country.
  
• The turn around consultant who flies into town to interview you thanks you over and over for your warm reception and hospitality in light of what he's about to do to you.

Well, I'm off to my Friday afternoon cello lesson. Have a productive day!

Who am I?

Not much new to report in the job world, although I’ve admittedly slowed down my search a bit. I had a third interview with the technology company mentioned earlier and I’ve found their whole process to be quite interesting and thorough. For that reason, rather than discussing interviews, recruiters, and unemployment benefits, I’m going to spend a bit more time talking about that second interview. OK… honestly, I’m not really obsessing about a single interview, but topics worth evaluating continue to be presented to me and since I originally stated I would write about the job seeking process, I’m grasping at straws to tie my random thoughts back to that subject.

That being said, part of the interview process involved completing an online profile that compares your “every day” personality to your “work” personality (OK, I’m over simplifying, but you get the idea). The basic idea is that the greater the variance, the greater amount of stress you have in adjusting to situations that put you under more pressure, possibly resulting in increased energy usage or inefficiencies. Brilliant! I found this fascinating.

A year or two ago, I was on a business trip and got in an interesting conversation with someone who was attending the same conference. Somewhere during the conversation, we came to the subject of personality traits. I explained that I am a very different person at home and with my friends than I am in the professional world. This person responded in the same way that several others have by questioning how this is possible. “Being” more than one kind of person must involve pretending to be something you’re not. Some people have even gone as far as to tell me that one day I will wake up so confused that I’ll have no idea who I am at all! (I believe that’s called a mid-life crisis… doesn’t everyone go through that eventually?)

I was reminded of this conversation recently when I read a post titled “99%” on wiblondie’s blog. She writes,

“I dabble in a few random hobbies and interests, never really committing myself fully to immerse myself to a comfortable ‘fit’ of knowledge, skill or competency.”

I’m the same way. In fact, one of my biggest fears in having a child was that I don’t stick with anything more than a few years… and you can’t sell a child on eBay! Wiblondie questions things like fitting in, being comfortable in your own skin, self-awareness and, in a previous post, she discusses feeling “done”.

Many people struggle with the “who am I” question (in the famous words of Irene Cara, “Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been, who I am, do I fit in…” Yes, wiblondie, I threw that in just for you!). My answer in the conversation on my business trip was, “I am who the people around me at any given time need me to be.” That’s not pretending to be someone else, it’s being comfortable enough with who you are to be able to adapt to life without losing your sense of identity. We all wear different hats at different times – employee, boss, parent, lover, friend. I am simultaneously an entry-level cello student studying under a high school aged girl and the president of the homeowner’s association of an affluent neighborhood in this nation’s second wealthiest county. Adaptability is definitely required.

My advice to those people trying to figure out who they are is to stop trying. You already know who you are, start enjoying being you. Don’t waste time trying to figure out what you should be or whom you wish you could be. Your family, friends, and past experiences may influence you but ultimately you alone are responsible for and in control of your life. You are the summation of your values, interests, and abilities today. All those things might change tomorrow, next month or next year, but that’s OK. Your identity can be dynamic and still be complete.

So, wiblondie, don’t view your dabblings as attempts to fit in because they make you a distinctive and interesting individual. Perhaps what “you” are is a person who enjoys new challenges and experiences and who thrives on change. You aren’t singularly a runner or a photographer, an afghan-making godmother or a business leader, a future wife or a diva. You are someone who loves to experiment, will fearlessly try almost anything, and who can hold up your end of a conversation on just about any topic. Please don’t ever try to fit into a slot!

What is intelligence?

Continuing on with yesterday’s theme, one of the questions from my second interview was “How would you describe yourself in three words?” I’ve always found these types of questions to be interesting… I mean, who is going to say “Tardy, gossiping procrastinator?” Instead, we pick power words that describe our weaknesses as strengths: “Flexible, outgoing, works-well-under-pressure.” I opted for a few words that others have used to describe me (no, not petulant impish femi-nazi. I do realize it is not wise to tell the head of HR at a potential employer that the HR director at your last place of employment described you as “wicked,” and I couldn’t quite find an appropriate way to reproduce a VP’s description, inclusive of charades-like gestures, of my “huge cajones”). Seeing as how this has been a subject of many conversations lately, one of the words I chose was “intelligent.”

But what is intelligence? I’ve heard it used in a wide array of situations ranging from excuses to label someone as arrogant (more on that in a previous post) to incorporating it in a bad pick-up line (“Your intelligence is so sexy!”). I’m not kidding… over the summer I was chatting with my sister-in-law and she was telling me about a relationship that was ending. In an attempt to justify something (although I’m not sure what), this man said to her, “I have an IQ of 160.” Clearly, this fact alone should’ve driven her back to him. What else would a gorgeous, successful, confident, driven, intellectual female executive in her mid thirties want in a man?

First, it should be pointed out that any adult who uses a number greater than 100 to describe their intelligence isn’t telling you anything meaningful unless they also indicate the corresponding scale. Most people are familiar with the IQ number representing the ratio between mental age and physical age. This is correct for children. However, the ratio changes because as we age, our rate of learning decreases to the point where intelligence frequently declines in the elderly. Indeed, if a 70 year old performed as well as a 30 year old on some intelligence tests, the results would indicate that the 70 year old has a higher IQ than the 30 year old. Furthermore, the industry standard intelligence tests have different scoring scales. For example, the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS) is one of the most common intelligence indicators and a licensed administrator must give the test, frequently a psychologist. The highest score possible on that scale is 155. The Stanford-Binet is another common one, but the scale is slightly different due to a different standard deviation, so a WAIS-R score of 110 might equate to a Stanford-Binet score of 110, but a WAIS-R score of 150 might equate to a Stanford-Binet score of 154. For this reason, intelligence in adults is usually expressed as a percentile rank. This allows for apples to apples comparison regardless of whether an individual’s score was determined through a standardized IQ test or something like the SAT exam.

Secondly, it should be noted that any type of intelligence test takes several hours to complete. For that reason, they typically aren’t as comprehensive as they need to be to accurately identify extremely high IQ individuals. One test might cover 12 topic areas with questions in each section ranging from easy to advanced. Individuals who score high on this type of exam demonstrate advanced proficiency in a broad range of subjects, but the questions don’t get complex enough to separate superior intellect from genius. On the other hand, there are tests that focus on only a few topic areas but include questions so complex that most average individuals would not be able to answer them no matter how long they tried. A high score on this test could indicate genius in one of the tested subject areas, but extremely gifted individuals with strengths in other subject areas could be overlooked.

Now that we’ve covered the academic side of intelligence testing (thanks to my BA in Psychology which qualifies me for basically nothing), let’s move on. The way I see it, there are two types of intelligence: 1) the kind that results from hard work and dedicated learning and 2) the kind that is a gift from birth, where the recipient just naturally “gets” things without a lot of effort. One might assume that the gifted individual is the more fortunate, but if we put brainpower aside for a moment and look at what other lessons life has taught these individuals, we might be surprised.

The first type of intelligence teaches people that with drive and determination, they can be successful. These people typically learn to be organized, self-disciplined, and responsible. What do the naturally gifted learn? That with very little effort, they can compete with their peers and frequently come out ahead. The risk is in what they don’t learn. What they might not learn is how to plan for and structure the requirements to complete an assignment. They frequently don’t learn how to be attentive because they never needed to. They might learn that they can skip class all together. And if they are gifted enough to skip a grade or two in school, they won’t learn the social skills that would’ve normally developed during the year they skipped. In today’s classroom environment, the “no child left behind” program encourages integration of all intelligence levels in the same class with the slower children setting the pace. Developing tomorrow’s leaders is taking a back seat to boosting the self-confidence of tomorrow’s working class. Is it any wonder why there is a positive correlation between intelligence and mental illness?

Fast forward ahead to early adulthood. Gifted individuals who have been praised for their abilities their whole life are now entering college or the workforce. Statistically speaking, the average intelligence of those surrounding them has just increased as the average pre-med student or the average executive has a higher IQ than the average of the general population. For the first time, a gifted individual may actually be “average” yet the idea that they are capable of coasting through life with little effort is so deeply entrenched in their being that they become embarrassed and frustrated when presented with a situation that requires them to struggle and work hard to learn. Furthermore, they may not have fully developed the skills to help them overcome the struggle.

If the individual is gifted enough to continue to perform at a higher level than his or her peers, their next obstacle will take the form of understanding how those around them process information and modifying their own communication style to fit the needs of those people. Before making this realization, the person may feel frustrated over others’ inability to understand what they perceive as clear instructions.

Well, if you’ve stuck with me this long, you have my sincerest apologies for having nothing better to do with yourself at this particular moment in time. However, the next time you feel intimidated by someone who seems smarter than you, just remember that they are probably on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Until next time…

What is arrogance?

Yesterday I had my second interview at a small technology company. An interesting opportunity offering a reduced scope of responsibility but a much more charismatic culture than the 100 year old manufacturing plants servicing the oil and gas industry that I’m used to. Yes, a young yet successful midwestern company that values innovation and passionate employees as compared to the good ‘ol boy Texan enterprise that considered competitive advantage as foreign of a concept as a female executive.

An interesting conversation came up during our meeting. The HR manager hesitates to ask, but curiosity got the best of her… “Why aren’t you going back into development?” I thought this a strange question, application development has changed significantly since I was in that field. Then she comments, “Please don’t take this wrong, the CIO and I were commenting that you just don’t see too many female IT managers. Most women go into development, not infrastructure. Why do you think that is?” Ah, now I see where this is going. Hmmm… I have an answer. Is it appropriate for me to say it right now? What the hell… I find a diplomatic way to say, “Because most men in infrastructure are arrogant pigs and many women lack either the backbone or inclination to tolerate them.” OK, now before you start making all sorts of assumptions, let me say that my darling husband is one of the most talented developer turned network guys I know and he doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body. Nonetheless, I’ve learned how to work with that personality type. In response, she asks, “So where are you on the arrogance scale?” The answer to this question is certainly something to contemplate.

Let’s look at what “arrogant" means:

1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others
3. Having or showing feelings of unwarranted importance out of overbearing pride

While I’ve certainly met people throughout my life that fit this description, I have to wonder – is this more often a true personality trait or a perception of others? Think of a person who is highly competent and possesses a significant amount of self-confidence. Now think about someone with intrinsic talent who doesn’t even realize how exceptional they are. Perhaps he or she is too insecure to even look others in the eye. Neither individual is necessarily conceited; however, both have probably been labeled as such by those who feel threatened by or jealous of them. Or more likely, by those who just simply don’t really know or understand them. So, I had a difficult time answering that question. Have people referred to me as arrogant? Absolutely. Do people who know me well or work closely with me have this opinion? Not really. Do I have a sense of unwarranted self-importance? Not at all.

The timing of this was very interesting because of a series of “perception” situations that have recently unveiled themselves in my life. Take, for example, one of my best friends. Another career-oriented woman who, like I, has learned that professional achievement requires the elements of assertiveness, confidence and drive. There is little room for sentiment or emotion in corporate America. In a recent dispute with her man, he apparently came to the conclusion that she is friends with me because we both believe we are superior to everyone else. I found this to be a fascinating observation. Admittedly, when the two of us get together, we do spend a fair amount of time boosting each others egos… but not ALL the time! Realize that this is the first partner of hers that I’ve personally found rather engaging (for no reason other than we typically have fairly different tastes), so this was a hard pill to swallow. But if this is the impression I give to someone I have some respect for, it is worth evaluating further. This is the time when analysis paralysis sets in, a problem I commonly experience in my personal life. How do you approach someone who has indicated a particular distaste for part of your personality without coming across as crying, “why don’t you like me?!” Because, you see, for me it’s not really about one person’s opinion of me, it’s about the behaviors I exhibit that I am unaware of that send this message. It’s about personal development and getting concrete feedback that you can act upon.

This has been an ongoing struggle of mine. Everyone has specific talents and abilities that exceed those of others. Aren’t these gifts we should enjoy and share? Why do I find myself tempted to hide them out of fear of someone else’s perception, at least until the person knows me well enough to understand the kind of person I am? Is it normal to be embarrassed of your natural abilities? Can you know you are better at something than others without being arrogant? If not, then does winning a competition or getting the highest score on a test automatically make you arrogant? Does just entering a competition make you arrogant because you believe you have a chance of doing well? There is a fine line, it seems, between confidence and arrogance. Which side of the line you fall on may really depend on the person drawing the line.