What is arrogance?

Yesterday I had my second interview at a small technology company. An interesting opportunity offering a reduced scope of responsibility but a much more charismatic culture than the 100 year old manufacturing plants servicing the oil and gas industry that I’m used to. Yes, a young yet successful midwestern company that values innovation and passionate employees as compared to the good ‘ol boy Texan enterprise that considered competitive advantage as foreign of a concept as a female executive.

An interesting conversation came up during our meeting. The HR manager hesitates to ask, but curiosity got the best of her… “Why aren’t you going back into development?” I thought this a strange question, application development has changed significantly since I was in that field. Then she comments, “Please don’t take this wrong, the CIO and I were commenting that you just don’t see too many female IT managers. Most women go into development, not infrastructure. Why do you think that is?” Ah, now I see where this is going. Hmmm… I have an answer. Is it appropriate for me to say it right now? What the hell… I find a diplomatic way to say, “Because most men in infrastructure are arrogant pigs and many women lack either the backbone or inclination to tolerate them.” OK, now before you start making all sorts of assumptions, let me say that my darling husband is one of the most talented developer turned network guys I know and he doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body. Nonetheless, I’ve learned how to work with that personality type. In response, she asks, “So where are you on the arrogance scale?” The answer to this question is certainly something to contemplate.

Let’s look at what “arrogant" means:

1. Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2. Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others
3. Having or showing feelings of unwarranted importance out of overbearing pride

While I’ve certainly met people throughout my life that fit this description, I have to wonder – is this more often a true personality trait or a perception of others? Think of a person who is highly competent and possesses a significant amount of self-confidence. Now think about someone with intrinsic talent who doesn’t even realize how exceptional they are. Perhaps he or she is too insecure to even look others in the eye. Neither individual is necessarily conceited; however, both have probably been labeled as such by those who feel threatened by or jealous of them. Or more likely, by those who just simply don’t really know or understand them. So, I had a difficult time answering that question. Have people referred to me as arrogant? Absolutely. Do people who know me well or work closely with me have this opinion? Not really. Do I have a sense of unwarranted self-importance? Not at all.

The timing of this was very interesting because of a series of “perception” situations that have recently unveiled themselves in my life. Take, for example, one of my best friends. Another career-oriented woman who, like I, has learned that professional achievement requires the elements of assertiveness, confidence and drive. There is little room for sentiment or emotion in corporate America. In a recent dispute with her man, he apparently came to the conclusion that she is friends with me because we both believe we are superior to everyone else. I found this to be a fascinating observation. Admittedly, when the two of us get together, we do spend a fair amount of time boosting each others egos… but not ALL the time! Realize that this is the first partner of hers that I’ve personally found rather engaging (for no reason other than we typically have fairly different tastes), so this was a hard pill to swallow. But if this is the impression I give to someone I have some respect for, it is worth evaluating further. This is the time when analysis paralysis sets in, a problem I commonly experience in my personal life. How do you approach someone who has indicated a particular distaste for part of your personality without coming across as crying, “why don’t you like me?!” Because, you see, for me it’s not really about one person’s opinion of me, it’s about the behaviors I exhibit that I am unaware of that send this message. It’s about personal development and getting concrete feedback that you can act upon.

This has been an ongoing struggle of mine. Everyone has specific talents and abilities that exceed those of others. Aren’t these gifts we should enjoy and share? Why do I find myself tempted to hide them out of fear of someone else’s perception, at least until the person knows me well enough to understand the kind of person I am? Is it normal to be embarrassed of your natural abilities? Can you know you are better at something than others without being arrogant? If not, then does winning a competition or getting the highest score on a test automatically make you arrogant? Does just entering a competition make you arrogant because you believe you have a chance of doing well? There is a fine line, it seems, between confidence and arrogance. Which side of the line you fall on may really depend on the person drawing the line.