Dealing with needy people

Ironic, isn't it? The day I receive the paperwork from the company I am joining, I get three phone calls about other opportunities. Life is strange, but that's not really why I'm writing tonight. I got a special request to blog about needy people - not needy as in homeless or hungry, but needy in terms of their requirements for continuous emotional validation and social acceptance.

I have a good friend who draws these people to her. I don't think it is because of her personality specifically, but because of the various roles she fills. I mentioned her earlier in my Com 101 lesson, but what I didn't mention is the kinds of situations she finds herself in that are, quite frankly, far beyond what most normal adults should have to deal with in a day.

Take, for example, the person who wants to be in a show with my friend but wants the script rearranged so she doesn't want to say any lines. Or the person who insists on making her own costume but refuses to follow the fabric and color guidelines and stands out like a sore thumb. Then there is the committee member who will only talk to one other person on the committee, and the people with leading roles who can't attend most of the rehearsals. All of these people have the need to be involved but they all expect it to be on their terms. Everyone else involved complains to my friend and expects her to fix it.

Then there are people who join the choir my friend directs because they really need a reason to get out of the house and spend time with other people, but they can't sing. Or they can sing, but they don't believe they can so they apologize for how bad they are until you reassure them that they sound great. There are people who want solos but call in sick every time they are scheduled to sing, people who complain that they don't like the song or the range of their part, people who complain about others who don't know their part, and most recently, even complaints about how the person sitting next to them looks or smells.

In the first example, people are part of a production that the public is paying money to see. The individuals involved all have significant talents to contribute, but some refuse to be led past their convenience boundary. Those few are assuming that my friend is the person in need when actually they should be regarding her as their leader on this project. Unfortunately, you can't change people (especially in one month's time!), so my advice to her was to decide if their talents were worth the stress and either put up with their attitudes or let them go.

The second example is a bit different as it revolves around a volunteer group that people join for various reasons - social, hobby, etc. When the complaints got out of control, I spoke with my pastor about it and she had a very wise response. She said, "Sometimes people need us more than we need them and right now they are your ministry."

What drives human motivation is a discussion that is way too long to put in a single blog post, but the key thing to remember is that you can't change other people. You only have control over your response to them. In considering your reaction to "needy" people, think about what the other person's real need is but also reflect upon the impact that your own need for comfort and convenience might have on your response.